Sunday, September 21, 2014

Put Away Your Socks Or The Cat Will Choke on Them

On the recent "Dazed and Convicted - Mini", I read a fantastic Evangelical Christian comic strip/conversion pamphlet ("The Bully") which featured the following scenario:


So, yes, I mean "fantastic" quite literally, as this scenario could not be more removed from reality. Now, most people aren't going to be convinced to change their entire way of living because they got handed a pamphlet by a stranger. So, really, only the truly vulnerable are going to be swayed. Which means simply providing a simple fear-based "possible" scenario would be effective.  But, when you explore these Jack Chick oeuvres, you see that they take every concern and heighten the possible outcomes to an amazingly preposterous degree. Which makes the whole comic like the Hulk bringing Superman to the fair to help him win the High Striker game.

Here's a perfect example of the insanity, from the pamphlet "Sin Busters":

No, there's no way the betrayal of your wife would have been enough to drive the point home. And just getting syphilis is too subtle. Adding AIDS helps. And then, of course, the pregnancy. I'm surprised this doesn't read:
 "Your 'little' affair gave your pregnant wife syphilis and the AIDS virus. When she found out she was so shocked she fainted on top of your 8 week old puppy, crushing it to death, which so upset your toddler that she ran sobbing into traffic where she was killed by your mother who happened to be driving by and who became so distraught when she realized what she had done that she beheaded herself by bringing the trunk lid down on her head, which lead to a whole spate of suicides by trunk lid of everyone in your immediate family. Was it worth it?"  

But, in fairness, even hate literature can occasionally make a valid point.

Like this one, from the same strip:


Almost? The other day, 12 hours with just my folks took me the whole way...

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Now listen to the episode below (on Soundcloud) or on the site, or on iTunes:

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Charity Begins at Home. My Home. But Only if You're a Gal

Craigslist posters are always trying to get sex workers at discount prices. There are hundreds of posts that read basically, "Need companion to satisfy. Willing to pay your phone bill. No professionals wanted!" Rest assured, no professionals will apply. Unless they make a lot of long-distance calls. Or have a data plan in Canada.


Then there are the guys who want someone to be a live-in-lover. For free rent.

This one is a completely awesome situation! Especially if you don't need a home during the daytime!


OK, admittedly, it's super rapey. But only between 10pm and 10am!

"Chill as hell and no drama." Precisely how I would define being pawed at all night by a stoner.

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Then there's charmer, who I analysed on the Punch Drunk Sports blog: Just a nice guy willing to be roomates and establish a friendship. If you’re a lady, 20-35. (A public service, really, as women in that age range are notoriously lousy at making friends.)

Finally, we have:


So we know he's entirely superficial. And a liar. 

What is surprising is that no one wants to hang out with him. 


Let's continue reading the post:

So, basically, you have to leave the house every time the guy does.

I can't imagine a more convenient living situation!

You start making dinner - but Buddy has to run to (likely) meet his pot client. So you take half-cooked food, leave the residence and wait until 10pm to be let into the first poster's house.

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Like this post? Try my podcast, "Dazed and Convicted". The most recent episode (#115) is:

What do you do when you live next to people whose lifestyle you disapprove of - or when you want to buy a house but it just doesn't work out? Just go on with your life? You're adorable! The answer, as always, is: Commit a terrible crime!

Listen to this (or any) on Soundcloud, at DazedandConvicted.com or anywhere else.    


(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.) 

Friday, July 25, 2014

What is thing with letters you use to write letters that I am using presently

If you ever think I'm in any way complaining about the internet, you should know that I think nothing is better. Not just with respect to finding absurdities but because without it, I am just a person with a tragically bad memory, desperately stringing lists of words together like an orangutan with a set of fridge word magnets.

The first result, blissfully, was what I was looking for. The search below is just as I entered it. This is the only way I could formulate what I wanted to say.



It's like I'm playing the dementia version of Jeopardy.

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You can imagine that there would be a few good reasons for Facebook to disapprove of ads I create for my podcast's Facebook page.

But, when I was running the ads, at least once a week, Facebook came up with completely absurd ones.

Here's a perfect example.



This ad - about a guy who was brutally murdered, ostensibly for drinking another guy's beers - was determined to be promoting drinking to minors.

Hey, if anything, it discourages drinking!

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Now this was likely not the exactly title they were going for - but it would make a way more interesting series.




I should send a picture of me plucking and eating a raw bird on the metro.

"Call me!" 

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Like this post? Try my podcast, "Dazed and Convicted". The most recent episode (#115) is:

What do you do when you live next to people whose lifestyle you disapprove of - or when you want to buy a house but it just doesn't work out? Just go on with your life? You're adorable! The answer, as always, is: Commit a terrible crime!

Listen to this (or any) on Soundcloud, at DazedandConvicted.com or anywhere else.    


(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.) 

Friday, July 18, 2014

Draw for Me, My Angel of Drawings

I'm sometimes asked how I find this stuff. Well, about 90% of the time, it finds me. I spend a fair chunk of my day on the internet (working, researching, sometimes just wasting my life in new and inventive ways) and I encounter a tremendous amount of "WTF?!"

Like these...

Now, this first one tries to be subtle - yet clear:



Well, now I don't even have to look it up!

A call girl is someone who has a cell phone handy, right?

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Then there's a casting post seeking actresses.  Now, I have breasts that are a B/C-cup. (#TheMoreYouKnow). And I have never felt shortchanged. Until today.



-
In the following screenshot, I was just trying to save an article to the social bookmarking site Delicious.

Delicious tried to autocomplete the tag. I'd say they did quite well!




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Finally, there's this artist on Fiverr.

She describes her drawing as follows: "illustration of coverage and invasion tv, book, radio, internet, bus,metro,banners sexuality at the current moment."

I wasn't sure what that meant. But then I looked at her work. And I sensed a theme.



It really is the perfect Sunday when I get to watch several different porn videos on my slew of television sets, while lying on the astroturf in my apartment.


Ah, perfect! The next time I need an illustration of a small child watching an explicit gay sex scene, I'll know who to contact!

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NEW episode of my podcast "Dazed and Convicted" (#115):

What do you do when you live next to people whose lifestyle you disapprove of - or when you want to buy a house but it just doesn't work out? Just go on with your life? You're adorable! The answer, as always, is: Commit a terrible crime!

Listen on Soundcloud, at DazedandConvicted.com or anywhere else.    
 

(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.) 

Friday, July 11, 2014

A Play About The Worst of Humanity. Warning: Bright Stagelights

A variety of craziness I recently encountered on the net:



I think I prefer her texting too. The alternatives are clearly not her specialty.

--



Well, I'm glad she's open to criticism.

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While reading a book online, the following passage disappointed me:

(From "The Audience and The Solo Actor" by Greg Mbajiorgu)
Damn it! I was hoping to present my new interactive piece, "Guantanamo: The Musical!" where the audience becomes my detainees.

I'll start by charging $30 a ticket for the 35 minute piece and then quickly move on to the genital electroshock.

When I think about it, some physical torture would really take the "Fuck you!" that some open mike comics do at the end of their set to a whole new level.
 "Oh, you didn't laugh at the jokes I wrote while stoned? Then garden-hose enema it is."
--

I enjoyed the entirety of this solo show description:


I'm fascinated by the creature who would be OK with all of this - just not the nudity.
"Sex encounters by webcamera? Fine! Insane meth activities? Perfect. A play where I can revisit the crimes of one of our most heinous serial killers? Stellar. But no naked people!!!"

I should also mention that when I think "good theatre", my first thought is, "aquarium maintenance".

* * *

Try my dark comedy podcast("Dazed and Convicted") where I do sketches based on true crimes and other fun stuff. New episode (#115) comes out next week!

Not a regular listener? Try an episode! Like #103 or #114.

You can listen on 
Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher and just about everywhere else.

(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.)