Rerun: "Save the World, Make a Scratcher!"

Back with a new post next week. Enjoy this post from the summer.

P.S. Episode #34 of the podcast ("The S&M Rants") entitled "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" was one of my favorites yet. And Episode #35 was pretty entertaining too.  Check them out at RantMeHard.com.

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When I was a kid, I was pretty fucking annoying.  I was certain I'd soon be a star and I'd sign any yearbook handed to me with: "Save this signature! I'll be famous someday!"  I've auditioned for everything from Euro music bands to tampon commercials and my resume consist of a series of failed projects in which I play some variant of "Slut #6".  And yet I still can't help but feel superior to the dude who faked his kid's balloon disappearance for his own shot at fame.

See, I assumed that jail put a damper on his desperate pursuit for attention.  But, alas, the aroma of public humiliation has proven too intoxicating... 

Now he's an "inventor" who "stars" in his own "commercials" (that last one might technically not need the quotation marks, but give me a second.)



See, as far as I understand it, an ad is supposed to get you want to buy the product, and there's nothing that sells a product better than leaving your viewers pondering: "I'm almost tempted to purchase this insane and pointless object for the novelty but I'm concerned to send him my payment for fear that once he knows my address, he'll break in to find something to pawn off for his crack... (Also, is trading them in for drugs the threat he used to motivate force his child hostage to sing the theme song?)"

Then there's the "about" page which contends:

"Most of Richard's inventions are geared to make life easier for people or to save lives". 

Quite a discrepancy there.  I developed a padded toilet seat and a vaccine for syphilis .

I don't actually see how any of his products fit the lifesaving category... A device to help lift boxes or a back scratcher? "My son was so close to succumbing to terminal itch! God bless you, Richard Heenie!"

You might also want to check out what he considers funny videos (e.g.) or delight in the testimonials page - which gives me a flashback...

I recall a project years ago for which I declined to audition (that says it all, really, as my standards have been stunningly low).  I later checked its website and discovered a "testimonials" page where 90% were not only uncomplimentary but also off topic.  There was one that was, "Hey, my brother's sick, so I can't help you with the project. Good luck, tho"  and another which read, "I lent you $5. I understand you may not have it now, but I hope you intend to pay me back when you do."

Heenie's page is a bit better - but it's probably only due to the fact that there are merely two "testimonials" - neither of which extol the virtues of the product itself...

"My two Bear Scratches arrived today and look good - so much so that I've just ordered six more!
Several of my relatives and a few friends are getting Bear Scratches for Christmas this year, hence my big order. They're all hard to buy things for, so this is perfect."

You've ordered the product because you're broke and your family will soon hate you.  A ringing endorsement indeed. 

Next up:

"Hey, I just wanted to let your whole family know that I support you! America is really a tough place to live and succeed. Our kids will be burdened with trillions of dollars in debt and taxes. Nobody is going to have an easy go of it! I really thought your Bear Scratch would be a perfect Xmas gift this season. I truly hope you and your family are doing fine.

The way I look at it, all I see is that ALL your children LOVE you and your wife! And what you are trying to do in this life is to PROVIDE for them! I understand all of that! Your kids, because of your LOVE for them, will not turn up all screwed up like some of these other celebrity kids. My hat goes out to you and I am happy to buy your Bear Scratch product!"

This reads like the letter some guy sends over before he shoots up his office.

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Win-Win-Puke

At a loss for funny, I went to Craigslist - and, low and behold, the well has been filled.

I now present to you the following generous offers:

1) Sex-free sex-work!



I used to think that regular John's were pathetic.  Now, if I believe this poster, there's some kind of market for naked asexual cuddling.  Which is only marginally less gross, but possibly far sadder....

2) Sex with Benefits!

Dude, dude. Slow down.  What kind of software?

3) Helpful Stranger and Future Deadbeat Dad

 
Ah, so this is one of those win-win situations.

No, wait, there's just one win.

---
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Gets Rid of Your Negative Energy and Any Semblance of Sanity

Happy New Year! Before I begin my rant, here's a really satisfying convo on Google+ I came across:



And now to the (main) fucktardedness:

The best way to get money, I've realized, is to invent something that can exclusively be targeted to idiots.  I'm not referring to the "___ to Dummies" series of books etc. but to products that only complete morons with no life-skills or awareness would purchase.

Such as:



At 0:13:
Holy shit! I'd get it out of my home and give it to a Republican candidate.

At 0:32: "Award-winning artist and color therapist."
At least those 2 terms (while hilarious) go OK together.  (Unlike this combo of "forklift driver and artist".)

At 0:43: "...the kind of experiences.... have never been documented in non-fiction".
There's a reason for that. 

2:03 It's a bestseller?!! A fucking bestseller?!  What am I wasting my time doing?! I must write an account of that night I was enslaved by a group of angry and horny robots!  

And... for $197 you can buy one of those pendants to protect you and your dog against negative energy!  Make sure you get one once you finish placing your Skymall orders!

Finally, in case you wanted to feel good about society (or my chose career paths), there's this:



What?! This is fucking impossible!

Do you expect me to believe you're not also Jewish?!

I actually wonder why he felt the need to add that ethnicity/nationality information in there.  Is it supposed to lend some sort of credibility? Safety...?

It reminds me of the time I couldn't get a cab at 3am one night. A car pulled over with 4 guys who offered me a ride. Not one to chance a possible gang rape, I said, "Thank you, I appreciate it, but no."

To which one of the guys replied, in complete seriousness, "Don't worry, we're Greek."

Because that helps.

Sigh.  This Craiglist ad is just further proof that I just don't know how to make money.

---
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Rerun: "Come on! That is NEVER going to... Oh."

Back next week. Enjoy this post from May.
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This week's post is dedicated to fucktarded plans.
That somehow, incredibly, worked*.

Desire: I'd like to steal milk.
Obstacle: I need to not be noticed while doing so.  
Solution: I'll dress as a cow.

"The 18-year-old milk bandit apparently pilfered the milk from the Garrisonville Wal-Mart around 10:30pm, Tuesday (April 26), crawling as he exited the store, mimicking the movements of cattle."

I...
Wha...
Wha?!!!

Now this would be a motherfucking shockingly stupid idea even if it occurred at a farm because cows produce milk and so don't need to acquire a bottled version.  But, let's say in an imaginary world, there was a cow that wanted its darn milk back (and had opposable digits and the dexterity to swipe the containers).  But this happened at Wal-Mart...  where, as I understand it, cows don't generally roam free.  Nevertheless the "cow" was able to get the products out of the store.

"Eyewitnesses say a short time later the thief was seen handing over the stolen dairy products to another individual outside the Wal-Mart"

And that's where the plan fell apart.  Because a cow may lift milk out of a Wal-Mart.  But he sure as hell isn't going to then hand them over to a human! Let's get real: Everyone knows cows just don't do that sort of shit. 

Desire: I want to masturbate on a school bus while I'm watching kids.
Obstacle: I can't be noticed doing so.  How can I blend in?
Additional Obstacle: I am a 53-year old man. 
Solution: I'll wear a backpack.

"Michael Charles Friedrichs was carrying a backpack and posing as a student when he got onto the bus at 42nd Street and Longfellow Avenue S. about 7 a.m. March 17, according to police spokesman Sgt. William Palmer."

What the hell happened here?  How does a 53-year old man magically pass as a child because he's sporting a backpack?  (Was the bus driver this dude?) Does one simply need a prop or costume item for these kinds of ruses?  Let's say I was wearing a mawashi, could I pass myself off as a sumo wrestler? 

Wait, I'm not being fair here.  Maybe the guy looks absurdly youthful and is the size of a jockey.

OK, I found a picture of the guy:

And, for reference, here's what a teenager looks like:

Uncanny.

--

Originally heard about:

Cow  - on Wish I Didn't Know

Backpacked Man - on Fark 

---
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Rerun: "A Knife? Well, at Least He Didn't Use an Ax - Then I'd Rule Him Out."

Taking a short break from the blog over the holidays. In the meantime, enjoy this post from April.
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Several years ago, I met some gals in a random situation and they were kind enough to invite me to go out for drinks with them. This was very exciting, because I was still new to the city and was having a very difficult time making friends.

Eventually the following conversation occurred:

Girl #1
“So how was your date last night with that guy?”

Girl #2
"He’s a nice guy! Especially considering he’s been to jail."

Me
"Oh."

Girl #1
"For what?"

Girl #2
"Armed Robbery."

Girl #1
"Oh, that’s fine. It’s not like it’s rape or anything."

Girl #2
"Oh, yeah! Well if it was rape I wouldn’t even be considering it."

I had two basic thoughts then. One: "And another potential friendship bites the dust...". The other was, "WTF?! How low are your standards?!"

Armed robbery. That's... not impressive. And "not a rapist" is setting a very, very low bar.

"Hey, my new guy is an arsonist!"
"That's cool - at least he's not a rapist".
Or
"I'm not going out with that guy: he doesn't have a job, he drinks all the time and he pees himself regularly"
"Jenny, Come on! At least he's not a rapist."


Which brings me to my ultimate rant topic. People who date murderers. Every time I hear about a news item where some murderer has a paramour, I feel like breaking something (preferably over the lover's head).

Because I've made alot of poor choices in my life, but I draw my line at dating people who have proven to be able to kill someone else - and might end up murdering me. Yeah, that's just how I roll. Call me paranoid.

Here's a case in Australia where a guy who had already killed a previous lover by strangling him during sex, has now accidentally (?) killed another guy in the same way... *

"prosecutors won the unusual right to tell the Supreme Court jury about the first erotic killing as proof that he knew about the risks."

In fairness, if I was this dude's partner, my expectation would be that since he'd killed someone before during rough play, he'd be super-careful about how he did things from that point forward. But, you know, when you assume, you make a corpse out of you. 

On a furious lark, I then Googled "murderer kills girlfriend" (because, statistically, it's usually women) and got the following gem - about a fucktard who killed his girlfriend during a conjugal visit in his German prison.

Why was he in prison in the first place?

"Klaus-Dieter H., 50, who had been in jail for 19 years for raping and beating to death a nine-year-old girl..."

OMG! Dreamy!

Now, I would like to point out that his girlfriend, who he planned to marry when he was released, was a single mom.  I have no idea the age or gender of her child, but you know, way to use your best judgment, Lady.

OK, so they allowed the couple unsupervised visits - and the last one they had (of 6 hours) they opened the door to the room to discover that she had been stabbed to death.  Now people are enraged by the "lax security at the prison".  I really could care less, and was a little surprised at the outrage.  But then I read the following quote from the prison director:

"We definitely didn't think he was capable of that."

Hold up. Are you shitting me?!

I'd think it fair if he had said, "I never thought anyone'd be stupid enough to be involved with and wish to spend time alone with a child rapist and murder, so we thought, hey, if you're this reckless, you'll end up dead sooner or later and we figured we'd help hasten the process along."

But you "never thought this could happen"?!  I could have guessed this could happen.  And I'm the person who watches even the most inane mysteries and unless the killer is actually sporting a tattoo with the words "Look at me, I'm the freaking murderer!!!", I'll have no clue until the film's conclusion.

Now, apparently, the gal was planning on splitting up with him during this visit. 

And while I'm usually against breaking up via email, I think I'd make the exception in this case.

Perhaps:

"Dear Klaus,

I was all set to marry you.  I overlooked the child rape and murder - I make an effort not to hold extreme brutality and sadism against someone.  

It was your cell's condition that troubled me.  I thought: 'Do I really want to bring a man into my house who can't keep even his one room tidy.  What kind of example does that set for my child?'"

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*I heard about this one on Distorted View. Which excuses my cruel sense of humor in no way.

---
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