Strangers Are Just People Who Haven't Killed You... Yet

Child molestation is indeed a serious issue. So why are attempts to educate the public about it so frequently ludicrous?

Case in point:



Yes, I know exactly what I want to do...

1) But what is the ad advising us to do? If it's kill the molesters, (and it's pretty easy to read that message into this) I'd have no issues, except that the last time I checked (yesterday) that was still against the law.

2) 2009. That's the year this was made. Not 1982. I understand you're confused. I was too.

3) Starship Troupers was a hit in 1997. That was 12, count 'em, 12 years ago. At least when they made those awful PSAs in the 80s they had current stars.


But if you think that ad is absurd, you have to take this quiz, which, on the surface seems reasonable.

"Stranger Danger Quiz - Can your kids recognize strangers? Using our Stranger Danger Quiz, you can test your kids to see if they know how to recognize strangers. Will they just choose people who look mean or strange..."

OK, so I tried it on the "Hard" level, because I thought I was smart like that by 35.

But apparently not.

Because when it came to this pic, I was baffled:



Uh, sort of not the point....

But, being the pedantic person I am, I chose "Yes".



Hold up. Someone is holding a gun and I'm supposed to avoid them not because they appear dangerous but because I don't know them?

Bus drivers are supposed to pick up strangers, but the other night one told me that he saw a guy waiting at the stop holding a hatchet and thought "Hell No!" and drove by. I said that was some solid thinking, but I guess he was being discriminatory. Next time I see him I'll have to set him straight.

I was having so much fun with this surreal test that I continued on. And came to the following question.



I thought: "this has got to be some kind of trick question, because unless I'm in 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego' I'm not really going to encounter a convict carrying an identifying detail like this...

I mean, unless I'm already in jail in which case I don't think it will matter to the officer booking either of us that I'd want to avoid him because "He's a stranger".

Nonetheless, I dutifully responded "Yes" and was commended for my choice:



Because apparently the issue is not that he's getting booked for a crime, it's that I don't just don't know him.

Take away message: If you know the murder, it's all cool. But if you see a cop, run. You don't know that dude.

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Note: I found this PSA though this post re the Daily Loaf.

What Not to Watch

The New Year is coming up, a time when you're forced to take a good, hard look at your life and what you plan to accomplish in 2010.

Or you could just sit around for a bit watching porn.

In that case, allow me to be your porn Sherpa.

Here are some films you don't need to see*:

Who the fuck is fantasizing about these people?!

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You can also safety ignore those in my least favorite genre, the "porn parody".

For instance:

Come on! Does the thought of Al, Peg or Marcie getting it on make anyone hot?

For your next "Would you rather?" game** posit the following:

"Would you rather see Al, Peggy and Marcie shag or watch Mr. Roper getting serviced?"

If the person doesn't automatically start retching, leave the premises immediately.


Hey! This show was running in the 60s! If you are still thinking about any of these characters, you are almost as sad as this guy:


Sir, you are 61. Really? And you've been harboring this fantasy for how long?

This is probably the one and only time a Skymall product will come in handy.

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Remember to stay far, far away from anything with the words "weird", "strange" etc. They ain't kidding.

Think you're odd? You don't know odd:

What worries me most is that this is a series - and something tells me they weren't just building up to pigs in the other 3.

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*These pics came from AEBN, and if you click any it will take you to the film. But you don't want to do that.

**Here's an explanation of the "Would you rather"game with plenty of questions I don't (want to) understand.

For more sex/fetish insanity, see these "Lunacy" posts.

Save on WTFs!

Yes, 'tis the season for guilt, recriminations, forced merriment and, of course, unnecessary consumerism!

And while I've been picking on poor Skymall, as you well know, crappy gifts are everywhere. This fun article on Worst Holiday Gift Ideas, mentioned the Shop in Private site. Now their name already implies layers of brown-paper wrapping, and yet there's still a special section just for "Embarassing Products". Well, you can only guess how happy this section made me.

For accuracy, some of the products should be in a "Embarrassing and WTF?!" category, but I'm just nitpicking now.



"Are you MAN ENOUGH to pad your underpants?"

This product gives me flashbacks of when I was 16 and worked at a telemarketing office. Granted, the job was dehumanizing, but I'm still not sure that justified my coworker strutting in each morning with several socks stuffed down his pants. Nothing says "my focus for self-improvement is in the wrong place" more than something like this.

"Want to make your lingerie even sexier? Pick up a bottle of Perky Panties, a pheromone infused lingerie wash. Pheromones are chemical signals that trigger a natural sexual response in members of the opposite sex."

OK, if you are already in lingerie and that doesn't "trigger a natural sexual response" in your partner... I got nothing.

"Liquid Virgin vaginal contracting lubricant claims to make every time feel like the first time"

For rizzle?! Oh joy! I can't wait to feel anew as though there are burning barbed wires in my cooch!

Dear Tagline writer: I hate you. So much.

Before? Ah, yes, because a bath is so passé

But the best part of this is that the company admits that they won't sell the Lollipop flavor of this product because it's godawful. They do, however, sell the Creamsicle flavor, which is apparently better, and which the team at Shop in Private reviews as follows:

• "It smells better. It tastes ... GROSS! F*ck!" -- Pam
• "It smells like furniture cleaner. But I don't mean that in a bad way." -- Justin

This product sounds vile. But I mean that in the best possible sense.


And what a steal!

"At a salon: $100.00
Shop In Private: $9.99"

Yes!

Eczema of the Anus: $100.00
Extreme Eczema of the Anus: $9.99

More chafing - less money!

Merry Itchmas, everyone!

I Can Get Death For You Retail

Skymall: Gifts That Keep on Boggling

Now, these Skymall products may not be as ludicrous as last week's selection, but there's still no good reason for purchasing them. However, if you really need to spend some cash, and haven't already blown it on a urinating Statue of David, here are some options:

"Sure, it measures accurate cups, ounces, and milliliters -- but isn't it so much more fun to bake up a batch of brownies use increments such as a "volume of one human breath" or "amount of honey made by a bee hive in a day?"

Oh yes, fun! Holy fuck, yes!

I just know I would simply loathe the person who'd own this product. I'm sure Moon Cherub would be happy to take a break from her drumming circle and yurt building to make some brownies in this. But by the time she handed me a cookie and said the words: "There's as much chocolate in the mix as the volume of the human heart," and began to weep softly, I'd already be making a run for it.

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Customer Review: 5 out of 5 5 out of 5:

"I bought this item for my friend as a birthday present. The fact that a wallet can be made from threads of steel amazed him. He cannot stop talking about it."

He sounds interesting,

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On principle alone I have no idea who would buy this. Wouldn't this be a better name for a taser? Rather than an actual product I'm meant to use near my crotch...

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Keep walking, Cubicle Boy, nothing to see here.

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Wow, that really classes up my bathroom. Plus, now every time I go for a pee, it's like I'm in the Caribbean...

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You look safe. What was the crime you committed again?

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This is a decoy item. It is meant to make all of the other products look less absurd, and hence more appealing, by comparison.

"James, I want to purchase that freakish looking leg massager for Dad, but don't want him to look like he's under house arrest. "

"Helen, that leg massager looks perfectly normal!"

"Do you really think so? Hey, what's that you're looking at...?"

"The Head Spa Massager."

"Jesus, it looks like one of those anti-mind control beanies. Now, that's really insane."

"Who are you calling?"

"Skymall. You're right, I'm getting the leg massager for Dad. Now, that I think about it, I think I'll also get the Digital Handheld Magnifier."

"Good choice. Get me one too."

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"Capture Video In The Dark w/ The Portable & Rugged Flashlight DVR Camera
Hidden deep within this ordinary and fully functional flashlight is a color CMOS camera with 2 Gb of built-in memory. Just point the flash light to illuminate an area and easily record color video with the press of a button. Perfect for gathering evidence, capturing video surveillance of intruders, or anything else you might need portable video surveillance for."

Because pointing a flashlight in an intruder's face is the perfect way to record a crime. And the end of your life.

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Once again:

You can find more Skymall insanity on these posts.

For further Skymall hilarity check out the following blogs (where I found some of the above stellar products): That's So Fetch, Urlesque, Maximum PC, and The Very Best and Worst of Skymall

Have You Ever Wanted To Knit While Having Sex?

The Holiday season will soon be upon us, and 'tis the season to look at items I can't wrap my head around.

As always, Skymall's products go beyond the usual simple mysteries inherent in gifts like pen sets, clocks or DVDs of "Two and a Half Men", and race right into "WTF?! Who the hell would purchase this?!" territory.

Here are 7 that make my WTF list:

Because writing hurts. And you don't have a computer. And you're an idiot.

Let me show you how well voice recognition tends to work. Here's what Microsoft's speech recognition decided I was saying:

Can you imagine what I was dictating? I can't. Curiously, it wasn't frog erotica.

So one can only envision how useful this device is especially since:

"The Voice Recognition Grocery List Organizer...stores and prints grocery lists generated from the items you speak into its microphone. Using an integrated voice recognition system, the shopping list manager matches a spoken item with one of the 2,500 food, beverage, household, beauty, and office products in its database. Each spoken product appears on the LCD and you can add it to the list and print an alphabetized record with the touch of a button."

Oh yeah, that sounds way easier than typing. But then again, typing allows you to edit and update the list. And you won't ever need to do that.

Enjoy shopping for your plaid "plants", purchasing that beautiful "milk" scarf and coaching your son's "cream".



"Have you ever wanted to make or receive a phone call underwater?" begins the description of this baffling item.

Well, no, I can't say that I have.

And I like how casual the above conversation looks.

"Helen, I'm diving and I just thought that.. well, did you remember to RSVP for the Jennison's dinner party - because it completely fell off my radar."

"Oh, don't worry, Hon, I'll call them. So what's it like down there?"

"The usual, some fish and stuff. Oh hey, something's prodding my leg. 'Kay, just a shark. Listen, I should go, I need to call my bank and hear my account balance, maybe make a few payments. Do you want me to also put in an order with 1-800-Flowers?"


Oh, dear. There's so much wrongness in just one item.

The pictures tells a creepy enough tale... it looks like Tom Cruise is trying to seduce the game pieces, or get them to reveal some critical information.

"The Only Portable Microwave Oven."

That's no surprise. And you know why? I can think of two pretty critical caveats:

1) If you're already out and about, can't you purchase real food somewhere?
2) How unbelievably stupid would you look carrying this monstrosity around. Are you going to place it on your shoulder like a ghetto blaster and yell the Bagel Bites theme?


I think I saw this in a BDSM film.


I almost don't have the heart to make fun of this.

I thought the clear winner of the most pathetic product around was "Cheers to You!"... but now I'm not so certain. Again, when you're using a product that reeks of Rupert Pupkin, counseling should be the first step.

"Craving a little recognition? Someone who gets your jokes? Open the Box of Applause and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Or open the Box of Laughter to hear uproarious guffaws. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Nobel, or Best Comedy Emmy."

Oh, this is just too painful. The product not only speaks to someone with a profound lack of talent and friends, but also of imagination. After all, I can hear clapping and award announcing in my head anytime I close my eyes--

Oh. Yeah, OK, let's just continue.

"Find your favorite passages instantly anytime, anywhere."

Hey, you know being gay is a sin. Because God told you. Or someone. Allegedly. But wouldn't it be embarrassing if you didn't have the exact passage to quote? Imagine being the most exciting person at any place with this in hand.

Bob: "Tonight I'm partying with Steve! He's an animal!"

Dave: "Wait, wait." Tinkers with Holy Dictionary "Not this, no. Wait, this... No. Oh here: Ephesians chapter 5:18: 'Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit'."

Bob: "Uh, OK. Well, it's not a big deal, I'm just going to have some fun."

Dave: "Well... " Looks to Holy Contraption, "'Romans 13:13 'Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.'"

Bob: "Yeah... I'm going to go to back to my cubicle now, and I suggest you do the same."

Dave: "Well, that's a good idea, because... As it was stated in ...Thessalonians 3:10... 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.'"

Bob: "Please. Stop."

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More Skymall insanity on these posts.

And there's further Skymall hilarity on the following blogs (where I found some of the above stellar products): That's So Fetch, Urlesque, Maximum PC, and The Very Best and Worst of Skymall