I'll Just Take This Call Outside

I recently discovered the site Entertonement (har!) where you can upload sound clips and listen to those from other users.

Of course, there's an adult sextion!

This clip claims to be of a female having an orgasm, but unless it's supposed to be one of the female chipmunks from the "Alvin and the Chipmunks cartoon" prior to the premier of the show, I'm at a loss.

[The player for this one doesn't embed properly, so you'll have to click here to listen.]

Brilliantly right below this sound clip, is the site's general request:

"Please, only sounds that are genuine, no fakes or staged recordings. Sex, female, orgasm, fucking."

In the mood to hear bad acting, but this time from a guy? There's a clip for that. Check out this super-ridiculous bullshit "orgasm":

Sex, male, moaning, orgasm, human voice sound bite  Sex sound bites

...but the oddest thing is that the page gives you the option to get this ringtone. Fuckin-A! I wonder where it would be most awkward for this to "ring" now: your cubicle, a gathering with the in-laws, or perhaps a visit to your child's daycare...

Here's a sound called "sex" and also labelled "coin sound" which seems to be a clip of the coin sound in Super Mario Brothers games:

Coin Sound sound bite  Mario sound bites

So, my question is... WTF?! Unless your fantasy revolves about paying Princess Peach to have sex with you how does the coin sound relate to sex at all?

But my current favorite might be this one labelled "Moaning: Male Grunts Series 2" which sounds less like sexual grunting and more like a Neanderthal trying to lift a heavy rock:

Male Grunts Series 2 sound bite  grunt sound bites

Joe Pesci Look-alike Needed To Save My Garden

I admit, I am easily confused (which is why there are a number of posts in this blog along those lines), but the net never seems to run out of items that baffle me.

My friend, Zach, sent me the following beauty:

I need all the Fs I can get! It's part of the most used word in my lexicon and sometimes I run out!

The ad notes that it would be great for a doghouse door.  Finally! My dog, Fifi Froffingham was getting so confused about where to sleep!

Zach remarked that while Fs might be exciting he wasn't sure they merited that many exclamation marks.  I beg to differ.  I think the ad could use many more exclamation marks and some expletives:

e.g.:

"Fucking A! We got some Fucking Fs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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And I was enticed by this Craiglist High-Art concept: 

I'll send you the nude "head shots" tomorrow (yes, sans the hat I usually wear), Sir.  I am presently busy modelling for the autobiographical piece entitled, "My friends all have restraining orders against me and my garden gnome is a tease."

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I love this comment on a news article.  I have highlighted my favourite line. 



Jesus, buddy! Have you never heard of that?! What alluvial diopside have you been living under?!!

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1) Why do they need a picture for a "sound alike"?

2) I seriously have no idea what is going on here - but your business cannot be in more dire straits than if you need Chris Tucker (or a fake Chris Tucker) to lend credibility to it.

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I think Michelle found this brilliance:



Dear Ma'am,

I wanted to imply for your bizness but my haw math is poor.  My hee math is better, but I donut think that Will help me amy, since Emil (your partner?) seems to adore the other.  I have also replayed ur add a few times, but still cunt find a fone number.  I am very graterful that the compensation is in cheque or cash form tho! I hate getting paid in Almond Joys.  

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I came across a blog post about having more energy in the morning.  The last suggestion was:

Sure, that sounds reasonable.

However, below that there were a few comments posted - and some questions.  One being:



Cyanide.

The Post-It Made Me Do It

I could list a slew of reasons why I enjoy working for myself but really what it all comes down to is a lack of sexual harassment.  You'll understand when I tell you about a few encounters I've had*.  I'll illustrate my experiences with photographs I discovered when searching for "Sexual Harassment" on iStockphoto. 

My boss said he was having problems figuring out something in a report he was reading.  I went over to his desk and attempted to read the file he was talking about.

"No, Monica, it's hard to read from there.  You can get a better view if you sit right here."

With that, he pointed at his lap.

Well, he knows best, I thought.

Titled, "Disgusted Assistant" and described as "Harassment in the workplace - she is uncomfortable with his unwanted contact." - whilst providing no explanation for how she ended up in his lap to begin with... Photo by: fotogaby 

I felt a bit uncomfortable, but I tried to forget about it.  Some time went by, and on a casual Friday there was a perfect storm of inadvertent messages. Firstly, the office shredder had gone haywire and ended up ripping my jeans.  Then, I had been feeling particularly forgetful and needed to remind myself to return a copy of a DVD I had rented lest I incur any further late-fees. I wrote the movie title down on a Post-it Note and put it somewhere I always remember to look - my collarbone.  When my boss passed by... well, it was awkward.

Titled: "Single Life" - Photo by Stockphoto4u

About a week later, my boss blindfolded me and led me into his office.  I thought nothing of it, as it was my birthday and I simply assumed we were going to play a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.  Well, he sat me down and whispered "take off the blindfold".  I was confused but still excited (birthday cake, perhaps, then?)  I did as I was told and then opened my eyes.  What greeted me was disturbing, to say the least.  

Titled, for complete clarity, "Business Woman Sitting Between Two Men Wearing Pig Masks"

- Photo by ellenmoran

This was the final straw, you'd think. But, it wasn't until the trough came out that I finally deemed it necessary to quit.

I'll never forget the angry squealing sounds that met me when I handed in my letter of resignation.  And, sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still hear the snorting.

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*And by "had", I mean "never had".

More iStock weirdness at this post. 

The Night is Young, Master Stoorworm

If there's something that really baffles me, it's when people fantasize about something sexual that cannot possibly, ever, ever in this world, happen.

I would assume that if you thought, "Damn, I want to have sex with a unicorn!" and didn't just take this as a clue to run to any available therapist, you'd at least try to self-talk: "You know, that's interesting, yes, but it's really never going to happen.  So what say I stop making the sex I do have less satisfying by fantasizing about this absurdity, and try to move on."

But I'm starting to think I'm one of the lucky ones.  Because I don't go to bed sighing, "If only I could be ravaged by a dragon! Cursed be this dragon-free world!"

No, wait, that wasn't a joke. That's precisely what people who go to the "Bad Dragon" site* must be doing...

Let's peruse, shall we?  Don't worry, this will only hurt alot.

First we have "The Tentacle" whose description begins thus:

"Imagine, if you will, a creature that has soft, forgiving flesh, unlimited dexterity, and an insatiable need to fill the holes of any creature that comes near. Chances are, if the thought of that made you a little randy, the Tentacle is for you!"

How about, "if the thought made you a little randy - and you're not a mollusc - our condolences."

But maybe your taste is slightly different.  Perhaps you're more aroused by this serpent-dragon thing.

The pornographic version of this illustration (you have to click on the small versions on the site to get the perverse full-view, e.g.) shows this vision of erotic splendour posing languidly, sporting equipment you recall from when your German Shepard tried to hump you.

To me these drawings are about as arousing as a still from Tremors.  And about 10 times more disturbing.

But, that's me... because here you can also read a frighteningly detailed review for one of the other products, the Antro-Dragoness, where the author, who enjoyed the product a great deal, threatens to post a video on the topic.  Threatens, I say, because he writes, (and I am trying not to whimper as I type this) "I ended up making quite a mess of my dragoness by the time I was done, which you can see in the videos that I'll post a little later." (Don't click at those links at the bottom of the review. Don't do it, I implore you.)

And finally, I'd like to direct your attention to the "Adoption" section wherein they feature two products that are not completely useful as sex toys because of a product malfunction but which you may adopt for $75-$100.

Sure they're kinda broken, but remember:

"All adoptions are 100% clean and have never left the workshop. Adoptions are not refurbished, just toys that weren't up to the standards we impose on ourselves."

Listen, if a dragonfucker thinks it's not good enough for him - it ain't good enough for me either.

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*I learned about this on the "Distorted View" podcast. Thank you(?), Tim.

I take it back, there is one way to enact this dragon fantasy in the real world... Praise be Salamence (Last tattoo on this page.)..

Hey, want to see bad ad placement? Here you go:  My colleague and I putting on a "Twitter for Business" workshop on August 21.  If you want to learn about using Twitter effectively - and aren't insane (c'mon you do read this blog, after all.) - you're welcome to sign up.

No Judges Allowed

In Thailand, I also discovered some new rules.

See they're pretty liberal with what you CAN do



Strippers on the bus seem to be fine. And very accommodating.



She says "sure". Whatever.

But there seems to be much that isn't acceptable.



Like:




Fucking is not OK? But I'm all horned up from the stripper!


Also:



No spiky genitals are allowed.

And the subway has even more "don'ts"



The first row is pretty standard, I guess.

But then there's:

• No balloons.  Because that was a huge problem.
• No spilling pellets.
• No fires.  No matter how strong your cravings are for those marshmallows.
• No sitting.
• No goddamn Libras.  They always cause problems. 
• Djun Kim's comment on Flickr really clarified the last two for me: "No photography! or is that "no taking pictures of videocameras"?  And what is that last one? No excessive consumerism?" 

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More deranged goodness from my trip here and here.