Make Something Very Dangerous. Just for Fun.

I recently spent some time exploring the interestingness on Fiverr.

If you haven't heard of the site, it's basically a place where people post an ad of something they'll do for $5.  There are some cool offers, of course. And then there are the strange...

I'm not sure which option is more depressing:

That you would:
1) Want to make your equally immature girlfriend jealous
2) Get an ego boost from having someone you paid to compliment you, complimenting you.

Yes, I can't see this going wrong in any way...

As is often the case, I understood nothing here.  But, I did look it up and found out that it was a effectively a whip you make using a towel.

Since the seller is teaching me to make something, I have to assume he's never heard of the internet.  But... Fiverr is on...

It's just... well, when you search the term "towel rat tail"...

All the fucking results tell you how to make it...

Oh, I see! He's catering to the stupid.  Well, then, you'll do great, Sir. Proceed.

Well it is almost Valentine's Day!

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Rerun: "Save the World, Make a Scratcher!"

Back with a new post next week. Enjoy this post from the summer.

P.S. Episode #34 of the podcast ("The S&M Rants") entitled "What's the answer? Get Naked! What's the question? Who cares!" was one of my favorites yet. And Episode #35 was pretty entertaining too.  Check them out at RantMeHard.com.

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When I was a kid, I was pretty fucking annoying.  I was certain I'd soon be a star and I'd sign any yearbook handed to me with: "Save this signature! I'll be famous someday!"  I've auditioned for everything from Euro music bands to tampon commercials and my resume consist of a series of failed projects in which I play some variant of "Slut #6".  And yet I still can't help but feel superior to the dude who faked his kid's balloon disappearance for his own shot at fame.

See, I assumed that jail put a damper on his desperate pursuit for attention.  But, alas, the aroma of public humiliation has proven too intoxicating... 

Now he's an "inventor" who "stars" in his own "commercials" (that last one might technically not need the quotation marks, but give me a second.)



See, as far as I understand it, an ad is supposed to get you want to buy the product, and there's nothing that sells a product better than leaving your viewers pondering: "I'm almost tempted to purchase this insane and pointless object for the novelty but I'm concerned to send him my payment for fear that once he knows my address, he'll break in to find something to pawn off for his crack... (Also, is trading them in for drugs the threat he used to motivate force his child hostage to sing the theme song?)"

Then there's the "about" page which contends:

"Most of Richard's inventions are geared to make life easier for people or to save lives". 

Quite a discrepancy there.  I developed a padded toilet seat and a vaccine for syphilis .

I don't actually see how any of his products fit the lifesaving category... A device to help lift boxes or a back scratcher? "My son was so close to succumbing to terminal itch! God bless you, Richard Heenie!"

You might also want to check out what he considers funny videos (e.g.) or delight in the testimonials page - which gives me a flashback...

I recall a project years ago for which I declined to audition (that says it all, really, as my standards have been stunningly low).  I later checked its website and discovered a "testimonials" page where 90% were not only uncomplimentary but also off topic.  There was one that was, "Hey, my brother's sick, so I can't help you with the project. Good luck, tho"  and another which read, "I lent you $5. I understand you may not have it now, but I hope you intend to pay me back when you do."

Heenie's page is a bit better - but it's probably only due to the fact that there are merely two "testimonials" - neither of which extol the virtues of the product itself...

"My two Bear Scratches arrived today and look good - so much so that I've just ordered six more!
Several of my relatives and a few friends are getting Bear Scratches for Christmas this year, hence my big order. They're all hard to buy things for, so this is perfect."

You've ordered the product because you're broke and your family will soon hate you.  A ringing endorsement indeed. 

Next up:

"Hey, I just wanted to let your whole family know that I support you! America is really a tough place to live and succeed. Our kids will be burdened with trillions of dollars in debt and taxes. Nobody is going to have an easy go of it! I really thought your Bear Scratch would be a perfect Xmas gift this season. I truly hope you and your family are doing fine.

The way I look at it, all I see is that ALL your children LOVE you and your wife! And what you are trying to do in this life is to PROVIDE for them! I understand all of that! Your kids, because of your LOVE for them, will not turn up all screwed up like some of these other celebrity kids. My hat goes out to you and I am happy to buy your Bear Scratch product!"

This reads like the letter some guy sends over before he shoots up his office.

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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
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Win-Win-Puke

At a loss for funny, I went to Craigslist - and, low and behold, the well has been filled.

I now present to you the following generous offers:

1) Sex-free sex-work!



I used to think that regular John's were pathetic.  Now, if I believe this poster, there's some kind of market for naked asexual cuddling.  Which is only marginally less gross, but possibly far sadder....

2) Sex with Benefits!

Dude, dude. Slow down.  What kind of software?

3) Helpful Stranger and Future Deadbeat Dad

 
Ah, so this is one of those win-win situations.

No, wait, there's just one win.

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Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out.  (I recommend you start with Episode 20 or higher and then go back  to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.)  Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
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Thanks again! 

Gets Rid of Your Negative Energy and Any Semblance of Sanity

Happy New Year! Before I begin my rant, here's a really satisfying convo on Google+ I came across:



And now to the (main) fucktardedness:

The best way to get money, I've realized, is to invent something that can exclusively be targeted to idiots.  I'm not referring to the "___ to Dummies" series of books etc. but to products that only complete morons with no life-skills or awareness would purchase.

Such as:



At 0:13:
Holy shit! I'd get it out of my home and give it to a Republican candidate.

At 0:32: "Award-winning artist and color therapist."
At least those 2 terms (while hilarious) go OK together.  (Unlike this combo of "forklift driver and artist".)

At 0:43: "...the kind of experiences.... have never been documented in non-fiction".
There's a reason for that. 

2:03 It's a bestseller?!! A fucking bestseller?!  What am I wasting my time doing?! I must write an account of that night I was enslaved by a group of angry and horny robots!  

And... for $197 you can buy one of those pendants to protect you and your dog against negative energy!  Make sure you get one once you finish placing your Skymall orders!

Finally, in case you wanted to feel good about society (or my chose career paths), there's this:



What?! This is fucking impossible!

Do you expect me to believe you're not also Jewish?!

I actually wonder why he felt the need to add that ethnicity/nationality information in there.  Is it supposed to lend some sort of credibility? Safety...?

It reminds me of the time I couldn't get a cab at 3am one night. A car pulled over with 4 guys who offered me a ride. Not one to chance a possible gang rape, I said, "Thank you, I appreciate it, but no."

To which one of the guys replied, in complete seriousness, "Don't worry, we're Greek."

Because that helps.

Sigh.  This Craiglist ad is just further proof that I just don't know how to make money.

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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
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Thanks again! 

Rerun: "Come on! That is NEVER going to... Oh."

Back next week. Enjoy this post from May.
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This week's post is dedicated to fucktarded plans.
That somehow, incredibly, worked*.

Desire: I'd like to steal milk.
Obstacle: I need to not be noticed while doing so.  
Solution: I'll dress as a cow.

"The 18-year-old milk bandit apparently pilfered the milk from the Garrisonville Wal-Mart around 10:30pm, Tuesday (April 26), crawling as he exited the store, mimicking the movements of cattle."

I...
Wha...
Wha?!!!

Now this would be a motherfucking shockingly stupid idea even if it occurred at a farm because cows produce milk and so don't need to acquire a bottled version.  But, let's say in an imaginary world, there was a cow that wanted its darn milk back (and had opposable digits and the dexterity to swipe the containers).  But this happened at Wal-Mart...  where, as I understand it, cows don't generally roam free.  Nevertheless the "cow" was able to get the products out of the store.

"Eyewitnesses say a short time later the thief was seen handing over the stolen dairy products to another individual outside the Wal-Mart"

And that's where the plan fell apart.  Because a cow may lift milk out of a Wal-Mart.  But he sure as hell isn't going to then hand them over to a human! Let's get real: Everyone knows cows just don't do that sort of shit. 

Desire: I want to masturbate on a school bus while I'm watching kids.
Obstacle: I can't be noticed doing so.  How can I blend in?
Additional Obstacle: I am a 53-year old man. 
Solution: I'll wear a backpack.

"Michael Charles Friedrichs was carrying a backpack and posing as a student when he got onto the bus at 42nd Street and Longfellow Avenue S. about 7 a.m. March 17, according to police spokesman Sgt. William Palmer."

What the hell happened here?  How does a 53-year old man magically pass as a child because he's sporting a backpack?  (Was the bus driver this dude?) Does one simply need a prop or costume item for these kinds of ruses?  Let's say I was wearing a mawashi, could I pass myself off as a sumo wrestler? 

Wait, I'm not being fair here.  Maybe the guy looks absurdly youthful and is the size of a jockey.

OK, I found a picture of the guy:

And, for reference, here's what a teenager looks like:

Uncanny.

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Originally heard about:

Cow  - on Wish I Didn't Know

Backpacked Man - on Fark 

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Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out.  (I recommend you start with Episode 20 or higher and then go back  to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.)  Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
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Thanks again!