Friday, July 25, 2014

What is thing with letters you use to write letters that I am using presently

If you ever think I'm in any way complaining about the internet, you should know that I think nothing is better. Not just with respect to finding absurdities but because without it, I am just a person with a tragically bad memory, desperately stringing lists of words together like an orangutan with a set of fridge word magnets.

The first result, blissfully, was what I was looking for. The search below is just as I entered it. This is the only way I could formulate what I wanted to say.



It's like I'm playing the dementia version of Jeopardy.

--

You can imagine that there would be a few good reasons for Facebook to disapprove of ads I create for my podcast's Facebook page.

But, when I was running the ads, at least once a week, Facebook came up with completely absurd ones.

Here's a perfect example.



This ad - about a guy who was brutally murdered, ostensibly for drinking another guy's beers - was determined to be promoting drinking to minors.

Hey, if anything, it discourages drinking!

---

Now this was likely not the exactly title they were going for - but it would make a way more interesting series.




I should send a picture of me plucking and eating a raw bird on the metro.

"Call me!" 

--

Like this post? Try my podcast, "Dazed and Convicted". The most recent episode (#115) is:

What do you do when you live next to people whose lifestyle you disapprove of - or when you want to buy a house but it just doesn't work out? Just go on with your life? You're adorable! The answer, as always, is: Commit a terrible crime!

Listen to this (or any) on Soundcloud, at DazedandConvicted.com or anywhere else.    


(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.) 

Friday, July 18, 2014

Draw for Me, My Angel of Drawings

I'm sometimes asked how I find this stuff. Well, about 90% of the time, it finds me. I spend a fair chunk of my day on the internet (working, researching, sometimes just wasting my life in new and inventive ways) and I encounter a tremendous amount of "WTF?!"

Like these...

Now, this first one tries to be subtle - yet clear:



Well, now I don't even have to look it up!

A call girl is someone who has a cell phone handy, right?

--

Then there's a casting post seeking actresses.  Now, I have breasts that are a B/C-cup. (#TheMoreYouKnow). And I have never felt shortchanged. Until today.



-
In the following screenshot, I was just trying to save an article to the social bookmarking site Delicious.

Delicious tried to autocomplete the tag. I'd say they did quite well!




---

Finally, there's this artist on Fiverr.

She describes her drawing as follows: "illustration of coverage and invasion tv, book, radio, internet, bus,metro,banners sexuality at the current moment."

I wasn't sure what that meant. But then I looked at her work. And I sensed a theme.



It really is the perfect Sunday when I get to watch several different porn videos on my slew of television sets, while lying on the astroturf in my apartment.


Ah, perfect! The next time I need an illustration of a small child watching an explicit gay sex scene, I'll know who to contact!

--

NEW episode of my podcast "Dazed and Convicted" (#115):

What do you do when you live next to people whose lifestyle you disapprove of - or when you want to buy a house but it just doesn't work out? Just go on with your life? You're adorable! The answer, as always, is: Commit a terrible crime!

Listen on Soundcloud, at DazedandConvicted.com or anywhere else.    
 

(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.) 

Friday, July 11, 2014

A Play About The Worst of Humanity. Warning: Bright Stagelights

A variety of craziness I recently encountered on the net:



I think I prefer her texting too. The alternatives are clearly not her specialty.

--



Well, I'm glad she's open to criticism.

--

While reading a book online, the following passage disappointed me:

(From "The Audience and The Solo Actor" by Greg Mbajiorgu)
Damn it! I was hoping to present my new interactive piece, "Guantanamo: The Musical!" where the audience becomes my detainees.

I'll start by charging $30 a ticket for the 35 minute piece and then quickly move on to the genital electroshock.

When I think about it, some physical torture would really take the "Fuck you!" that some open mike comics do at the end of their set to a whole new level.
 "Oh, you didn't laugh at the jokes I wrote while stoned? Then garden-hose enema it is."
--

I enjoyed the entirety of this solo show description:


I'm fascinated by the creature who would be OK with all of this - just not the nudity.
"Sex encounters by webcamera? Fine! Insane meth activities? Perfect. A play where I can revisit the crimes of one of our most heinous serial killers? Stellar. But no naked people!!!"

I should also mention that when I think "good theatre", my first thought is, "aquarium maintenance".

* * *

Try my dark comedy podcast("Dazed and Convicted") where I do sketches based on true crimes and other fun stuff. New episode (#115) comes out next week!

Not a regular listener? Try an episode! Like #103 or #114.

You can listen on 
Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher and just about everywhere else.

(You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg and on Facebook.) 

Friday, July 4, 2014

Linkedin - or AllTheWayin

More internet oddities:

I don't want to think about that at all. Taken literally, the concept sounds pretty vile.

I can see it now:
"So, do you want to meet for coffee to discuss the job in sales." 
 "No, sorry, you're not my type."

There ought to be a Tinder+Kickstarter combo. It's like Hot or Not - but the hot creators get funding!


On another topic, I found the following comment on a forum about documentary filmmaking:


It reads: "I saw a show on TV about Timothy Treadwell who shot the bear footage. I didn't think his idea of living with bears was a good one."

I like the "I didn't think" part. As though it's up for debate.

In Montreal, where I grew up, some guys would add as many personal qualifiers as possible to statements. To an absurd degree. And, generally, because they were saying something super sexist/racist/homophobic and wanted to have the out of: "Hey, that's just my opinion. I have the right to my (horribly offensive) opinion."

So that's how I hear this.
"Me, myself, personally, I didn't think that his idea of living with bears was a good one. It has nothing to do with the bears or the fact, that they are dangerous or that they ended up killing him. In my opinion. But, me, myself, personally, when I think about living with bears and being ripped apart by them, I feel myself that it is not a positive thing and that it is overall easily avoidable, so it's best not to do it. But that's just what I think."

- - -

Try my fun podcast("Dazed and Convicted") For instance, 109:

It's stressful these days to work in education. So how to release tension? Go on a killing spree! Eliminate your ex-partners and everyone they know or drug dealers who weren't drug dealers. Gold stars for intent! 
Listen here.

You can follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg
And on Facebook

More stuff I do

Friday, June 27, 2014

Key Tip: Alienate the 3 People Who Like You!

Some more fun from the interwebs:



1 Sign You're Way More Pathetic Than You Thought:
  1. You just got encouraged by a LinkedIn article recommendation. 
"And I'm so happy to win this Oscar! I'd like to thank that random text generator.
Without it, I would still be sitting on the floor crying and marinating in my own excrement."

--

This is something from a very strange article about pursuing your goals. Oh, and stalking.

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140605055406-147720432-stalking-stops-now-my-manifesto

Well... In fairness, the second one would make me paranoid.

It reminds me of my Father-in-Law telling us about his youth and how he would scare the local kids:
"I used to yell: 'Boo!'
or 'I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!'"
Yeah, there's a fair bit of difference there.

--

Here's a part of a request looking for guests for a podcast. 


OMG! Did you seriously just give away the holy grail of podcasting secrets?! For free?! 

That's the key way to attract and keep listeners.

"Hey, have you heard episode 2 of that gospel podcast?"

"I HAVE! All 542 times!" 

--

Have you heard my podcast("Dazed and Convicted")? At least 541 times?

If not try a recent episode. For instance 108:
How quick we are to jump to conclusions about a rapist’s personality and intent. This week, we learn that some assaulters are deeply ethical men, and others just want to help!

You can also follow me on Twitter: @MonicaHamburg
And on Facebook

More stuff I do