Rerun: I Love the Smell of Craigslist. It Smells Like... FAIL.

Got caught up in non-blog stuff.  Back next week.  Meanwhile please enjoy this post from September 2009.

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Here's a new game - it's called "Spot the Inevitable FAIL".

Some examples:



I just wish I was there to see this train wreck progress.

I think the "something" he's going to "make happen" is suck.

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The beauty of certain "creative people" is that the ones who have ideas not remotely worth stealing are usually the ones most paranoid about releasing their work and ideas.

Sadly, they also think that others who might want to be involved in projects really don't need to know any details before committing time to interviews/auditions etc.

Like this posting asking for actors:

Hey, awesome! Where do I sign up?! I mean, I can't wait to show up and find out if your script involves a no-budget film about aliens, vampires, zombies, the apocalypse or the struggles of a self-absorbed artist in the big city or a contemplative look at a relationship, based entirely on a relationship you once had, with nary a detail omitted.

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This ad is bound to be legit:


We "record in my family home" - Congratulations, you've managed to make me queasy from the get-go. "Daddy, why is there a naked man in our kitchen?" "Go back to bed, Carly, Daddy's making a mo-vie."

I like that there's an essay part of the equation with the important questions: "What positions do you like to do a girl?" and "Have you done anything with the opposite sex that we should know about" and that the initial interview involves a jack-off of at least 10 minutes. Of course, these exist to see if the applicant is qualified for the position, not merely for the enjoyment of the "producer"...

Again, I'd do anything to get ahold of the answers to those questions.

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And, finally, we have this ad:


Hold up. You want someone to do your laundry, housework etc. as well as service you sexually. Basically fulfill your every need and wait on you hand and foot.

And they pay you.

Can I stage an intervention with you and this guy? Better yet, would you please both enroll in a basic economics course - like the one they teach in 10th grade?!

Please feel free to comment with links to other "this can't go right" ads.

I'm Tempted. But I Have a Standing 3 o'clock with a Monkey

For the first time ever (this surprises me too), I checked out the mm2w section of Craigslist (Two men looking for a woman for play - i.e. a threesome). And I was floored.

Because 85% of the ads were completely articulate and - generally - even hot... I don't know why or how this is possible - maybe it's that, to get this party started, there needs to be some organization and so impulse ads like, "Just woke up, my cock's ready r u?" aren't really an option...

Or maybe it's because, if there are 2 guys on board, the more together one cleanses the ad of the penis pics and extra consonants...

Do let me know your theories, please.

And, now, back to the regular m2w ads - and their utter ridiculousness.

Because abstinence keeps people normal...

Well, that's not very nice.

Wait, did you say you had lube.  Nevermind, I'm already there!

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You want even more tempting? You got it:

 You sound sweet.

Nothing pathetic (or white trash) about this!  Sleep with some dude and you'll get some flowers.  Of course, you have to tell him how many and I imagine he can veto that:

"6 flowers, Babe? Really? Hon... last time was only really worth 4, so I'm going to have to deduct a few from this round." 

I'm also trying to envision something less romantic than this proposition... and the only thing I could come up with is if the foreplay involved giving a rim-job to a monkey.

Actually, I'm thinking that would be preferable.

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Yearning Scribe Seeks Delusional Thespian for Pointless Collaboration

Craigslist Casanovas have been fun, no? But, as we've learned before (many times) casting notices can be as infuriating as the "sexy" ones.

Here's my favorite this week:

I'm not going to address just how much of a pointless endeavor this gals' experiment will be - only because there is so much other fucktardery to focus on!

 "I'm in a serious monogamous relationship"

Oh! That's a relief! I feel that people who are either single, or in an open-relationship just make shitty directors.

"I'm pretty good at dialogue and writing, which I mostly attribute to the fact that I did a lot of professional theatre as a child and in my teens"

I'm a good lawyer, which I mostly credit to the fact that as a child and into my teens, I thought I was a vampire.

"a brief paragraph about yourself and what characters you enjoy being"

My name is Monica. I spend way too much time contemplating Fucktards and thinking about sex.  If I were a bird, I would be a Kagu.  If I had a farm, I would raise pigs.  If I had another arm... I would be concerned.  Sometimes I wonder about life.  Sometimes I eat spicy foods.  Sometimes I have theories about herring.

I enjoy being many characters.  My preference would be playing a tortured psychic on the run from the mob.  But I would also be pleased to have the role of a bitter unemployed chef who, though a number of funny circumstances, is forced to  become a social worker for wayward youth.  I see a scene in that one where I nurse a Kangaroo.  That would be great - but is not a deal-breaker.



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Treat Me Like a Breakfast Smoothie

Titles of Craigslists posts are occasionally enigmas...  

See, a few guys understand that they have to stand out from the myriad of ads that go something like this:

"Horny and bored! Want to give me a BJ?!"

"Married and I have a huge cock! Sit on it. No questions asked."

So they try to come up with some original phrasings.

Like:

I think it's 10pm! Are we a match?!

Here are a few others that really miss the mark:

I'm really trying to picture this.  I see gams on toasts.

Look, if you're already sarcastic about it, I'm really not going to make the effort.

Phew! That rules that out.

I got the worst image (and stomach cramps) when I saw this.  Turns out the guy wants to run with someone and then eat them out.  The title was probably a good tactic, because his actual offer now sounds far less nauseating than it should...

Stop. Reading. My. Mail!

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More Craigslist fail on these posts:


"I love the smell of craigslist - it smells like fail"
"That's the way you do it.  Money for massages and sex for free..."
and at this tag

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Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
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Thanks again! 

Ogre Queen: Even YOU Will Do! Sexy Lady

Back to Craigslist's sexy "Casual Encounters" section for some entertainment.

 Worst salad ever! 

That's really not for me, is it? 

So you can't just fuck this guy.  You have to inspire him.  That seems like an unnecessary amount of work just to get laid. 

For those of you who don't live around here, let's just Google Streetview this sucker so you have an idea of the hotness that abounds.  

Still, markedly more alluring than this ad:

I would feel sooooo desirable!

I like this next one for the sheer lack of effort:

 

You can't spell either of those words?!
No sex for you!

“I can last very long”.  Really?! How can you be sure of that? 

You do know your hand feels different than a vagina.  No... of course you don’t. 

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Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, please consider:

Subscribing	You can subscribe via email below or, if you prefer to use a reader, just click here. Enter your email address:
Following on Facebook	Your Dose of Lunacy is also on Facebook - for more lunacy, please "like" the Facebook page:
Listening to my podcast	I also have a weekly podcast, "The S&M Rants" with Shane Birley - please check it out.  (I recommend you start with Episode 25 or higher and then go back  to earlier episodes if you like what you hear.)  Listen here, subscribe on iTunes and/or rate/comment.
Following the podcast on Social Media	The podcast also has a social media presence (Facebook and Twitter):
Contacting me	Have some deranged stuff for me - or just want to say "Hello"? Feel free to contact me via email or using my personal Twitter.
Promoting	As always, I could use your help promoting this blog - so if you like this post, please "like" it, "+1" it re: Google+ (buttons below) or send it to a friend (or publicize in any other way you like! :)

Thanks again!