Why? – Part I - Me and My Mannequin

Why am I always railing against others? Surely I am myself a fool at times (uh, frequently).

So, here is my first instillation in the series “Why?” which documents certain loser-like things I have done and the many ways in which I manage to embarrass myself.

Years ago I had a promo gig where I rode the skytrains for about 10 hrs a day for 3 days. That would have been the perfect lazy job, only I had to sit next to a nude mannequin which was the focus of the promotion. (How can this go wrong?)

This job allowed me to have the following experiences:

1) At the training, we were assigned a mannequin of the same sex as us/the rider. This was pointed out by the trainers with the comment “of course your mannequin will be the same sex as you. Otherwise it might be weird”. A) It’s a mannequin B) As for the “weird” – I thought that had already been established by the nature of the promotion itself.

2) One of the days I was partnered with another promotional representative, a very high-strung fellow. We rode for a few hours together with our mannequins. Personally I preferred the company of the mannequin, in this instance. Now, this was around the time the skytrain police had been given guns. Whilst waiting at the platform with our inanimate “friends”, the skytrain police came by to chat. Apparently we weren’t allowed to do this on city property. I calmly explained that we likely did have permission, and gave the officer the phone number of the promotion company. My partner, however, was incensed and decided to get progressively more insolent with the cops (always a good idea...), beginning with “Who do you think you are?!!” and escalating his rant to “You think you are such a BIG MAN, huh?! You have a gun, so now you are someone SPECIAL, huh?!” I was mortified. He was so out-of-control that the amount of police officers soon increased (others having heard the commotion from the other side of the platform). Now there were four cops and this guy was getting more ape-shit... I admired the restraint of the cops... Finally, I think I said we would go back and meet the promo company and get further instructions and we were allowed back on the trains....

3) Now, the object of the promo was to have people stare at us and hence ask us questions, which would allow us to shill for the company for which we were advertising. Sure, that would work in other cities (New Yorkers or Bostonians might inquire “Hey, what the fuck are you up to?”), but Vancouverites aren’t that conversational with strangers. So what I got, mostly, was plenty of horrified looks and people averting their eyes.

4) The low (or perhaps lowest) point was one day when I was at a downtown food court. I parked my dummy at a seat at an empty table for four. I went to order my food and returned to see a businessman sitting with my mannequin. I was unsure how to address this situation, so I just sat down and began eating my lunch. The man looked up and said “Oh, are you sitting here?!” Uncomfortably (accompanying a mannequin is a quick way to lose one’s pride, I found), I responded “Yes...”. “Well,” he said, irked, “I’m expecting people.” I thought of asking him how much better it was to conduct the meeting next to a mannequin, but decided against it. Apparently it was perfectly fine have a business lunch with a mannequin, but clearly I was the problem... OK... I took my mannequin and left.