Breathing, It's Killing You

Huh?! Seriously, WTF?!

Now read Cracked's comments about it (don't worry, I won't get jealous), but then come back here (or I will...)
Thanks, Cracked - we're on the same page here...

So, I had to visit the "Stop Masturbation" site - cause, well, you know.

Firstly, awesome book cover. It's got everything. Yellow font, a "title" and "subtitle" with no subtlety. An overwhelming number of images: a man in turmoil, a stop sign with a hand (empty) reaching for help, a clock (time's running out!) and a skeleton!

Secondly, I love their checklist- especially because all 10 are virtually the same...

And then it gets even better - because they go on.
Boy do they go on...

So let's just look at their logic of why this "problem" (people masturbating) is happening:

"We live in a new era, it is a mass media era. You know how easy it is to access a free pornographic site on the Internet and in other mass media like TV, DVDs, video and magazines. And you also know how easy this kind of viewing leads to masturbation."

Good point! Without TV and the internet no one masturbated. Continue....

"In 99% of all cases, this leads to dependency."

99% huh?! That's a lot! And I'm glad you have the evidence to back up that claim.

"It is impossible to overcome it, no matter how hard you try."

You're telling me your program is pointless...? Wait, can't focus, gotta masturbate.


OK, all better now. Here comes my favorite part:

"Masturbation affects a person's life negatively in the following ways:

* Masturbation destroys your health"

Holy fuck? Really?! And I blamed that flu on a virus. Fucking masturbation!!!

"* You waste your valuable time on masturbation"

Actually, I'm wasting my valuable time commenting about your site. So there.

"* Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)"

Actually, it's during. I marvel at the restraint of a person who could watch pornographic content, do nothing, then file it away for later reference.


The site goes on to try to convince you that their $47 program will cure what ails you (masturbation, of course, since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating, and are aware this is not a positive situation, and want to do something to overcome it.)

"For only $47 you can take control of your future and overcome the biggest problem you have, the one that holds you back from success ( think of it for a while). Probably the most important investment you will ever make for in your life FOR YOUR SELF. Look at this it this way… $47 is really a painless drop in the bucket compared to the benefits you get when you put masturbation under your control."

The "painless drop in the bucket" line is such a poor poor choice of words given the context...

"Living your life without this information would cost you a lot. It is not possible to even calculate how much your a high-quality and happy life is worth, it is just not measurable."

But it is worth $47, right?

"This course is really worth thousands of dollars since masturbation affects all parts of a person's life and degradates a person down to animality."

Does full recovery from masturbation mean I'll also begin conjugating verbs erroneously and making up adverbs?

I wanted to read more, but, you know, I got dem urges...