In honor of the season, I perused the Skymall catalogue. (So you don't have to.)
I present to you the ultimate holiday shopping list. Sure, the gifts you order won't arrive in time for the holidays but, trust me, when your victim (er, loved one) receives these gifts won't make a lick of difference. After all, a look of bewilderment in January is still festive.
The above pic is for an "energy shirt" which is "stylish" and apparently possesses magical powers:
"Now you too can wear the shirts that Intuitives, Healers, yoga practitioners, Naturopathic Doctors, Reiki Masters, and others in touch with their energy have described as positively bursting with energy!'Cause there's no one more fashionable than new-age healers...
It's called the "Intentional Unisex Bamboo Tee" - which I originally read to meet that it was intentionally unisex, as opposed to that just being an accidental bonus.
Yes, once again Skymall has topped itself for its ability to make the model look like an ultimate douche. But wait, there's more! The shirt's description begins as follows:
"When you think there are no more creative ideas on how to create a new vibration, a new level of consciousness in the world...think again! I am so jazzed about what you are doing!" (Radio Host introducing us on the show)"Questions:
- What show? Was it perchance paid for by Skymall?
- Can you just imagine the sick individual who would utter those words? Can you even fathom the depths of his pathos?
And, if you're feeling like some post-holiday exercising, there's always this:
Mmmmm. How can anyone look at that and think anything perverse?
You know what should tip you off that you're a loser? When the site's recommendation system says "You may also like" and it involves this:
The next high-art piece speaks for itself. It says, "I was purchased by a man who has absolutely no chance of ever having consensual sex."
How about if you want to play E.R. at home, or recreate a Zimbardo experiment? What are your options?
You should know that you've reached the pinnacle of cluelessness when you willing hand over a thousand dollars to Skymall. And for what, exactly?
Why, a Home Defibrillator of course, which a simple Google search will tell you is virtually useless.
Though of course:
"The Philips HeartStart Home Automated External Defibrillator provides clear, calm voice instructions talk you through each step. HeartStart senses and adapts the instructions based on your actions."
Ah, I am so sure it does. And does it also use "sophisticated technology". Oh yes, thankfully, it does.
(You owe your thanks - or disdain - for this list to Glen who suggested that I write a Christmas Skymall list.)