Did an Escaped Prisoner just Break In? Bummer.

If there's one thing I love, it's an infomercial's ability to make something easy and normal look baffling and borderline impossible. Somehow peeling a potato is as challenging as jumping from rooftop to rooftop.

How do these actors pull it off...

"How did your commercial go today, hon?"

"Well, you know the part where I'm supposed to make like I've never used a sponge before...? Well we had to do that 12 times, because the director still didn't think I looked enough like a lobotomized monkey."

Just watch the first 10 seconds of this one. Because, apparently, getting out of a tub (even for a man in his 30s) is like getting shot in the back by an AK-47 :


Appropriately enough, this product is called "Get a Grip" which is ironic for an ad with such a tenuous grasp on reality.

But here's a feat of brilliance - some commercials have people in fairly serious situations, whose actors make it seem like they are either:

a) not entirely sure where they are
b) as numb to stimuli as a shell-shocked vet living with a roommate on crack.
c) equipped with a delay-timer on their pain or emotions, such that if a bullet punctured their spleen on a Monday they'd wake up wondering what that pain in their abdomen was around Friday evening.

a) & c)


Really? Really?! I could go into an auditorium of a school going through budget cuts, on a 3rd grade talent show night, shoot all the kids performing with tranquilizer darts - and still be able to witness better response times and acting than this.

a) & b)


"I need help, there's an intruder in my house?"
I'm more confused than scared. Is it possible this is not my beautiful house? What about my large automobile? You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Other great moments:

"There's no need to reach a phone that could be in another room."
Unless, of course, this 911 button is also in another room...

"You can even wear the 'Help Now' button as a pendant."
Look like a complete dipshit while reminding yourself that you're are only moments away from death at any point!* It's amazing how happy this woman looks even with that awareness.

"The perfect gift"
From your abusive ex-husband.



*You may also need the MagneScribe Pen (not included) to note down the time of your imminent demise.

And thank you, John Berringer, for the Eagle Man original ad, and for introducing me to the craptacular goodness that is Blue Moon Studios.