Caterpillars Got Me Fired!

[click on the pic to read more & thanks, hat tip Lyal]

Are you freaking serious?!! Uh, it's called MOSQUITO REPELLENT, Buttmuch!

So, apparently, there is some dude, who was such a target for mosquitoes - that, in spite of his best efforts, it derailed his social life and relationships. And yet, rather than move to an area that had fewer mosquitoes, he spent thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to find a cure.

Completely plausible. Go on.

"Just imagine for only $7 you will get all my secrets on how to keep mosquitoes from every biting you in the first place as well as my time tested “super secret mosquito formula”.

You are a generous, generous individual. Apparently, the suffering you endured all but ruined your life, until you discovered this secret - but others suffering in this manner should pay you to end their torment.

"You will break the chains that mosquitoes hold over you. "

These are big & kinky mosquitoes...

"I think everybody that reads this letter is shocked by this point. When they find out that I sell this report for only $7 dollars instead of $27.00 or $37.00 or even more."

You had me at "shocked".

"If you are not willing to invest seven dollars for a chance to get rid of your mosquito itch forever then I am preaching to the wrong congregation and I wish you all of the best."

Translation: My point is to scam you into spending $7. You may not be stupid enough to fall for this. If that's the case, I want to make sure you know it's your fault if you continue to suffer.

"There is no worry of the directions being difficult or hard to follow, If you can make Jell-o™, you can make my secret formula that instantly kills your mosquito itch and puts you well on the way to healing without any inflammation or misery. "

This reminds me of the assumption in this Skymall ad. Let me clarify something for you, dickwipe: if they are stupid enough to have read this far without pissing themselves laughing, I am assuming that, no, they do not have the brainpower to follow Jell-o directions and that they are likely the people the moronic warnings on packages are designed for.

In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that the people who are tempted to purchase your "secret report" may in fact attempt to follow the Jell-o directions only to find themselves, hours later, staring through strawberry gelatin from inside their fridge.
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Marketing tip: Perhaps they can offer this report along with guide to stop masturbating...