That's the Way You Do It: Money for Massages and Sex for Free

Why do I hear the following?

"BILLY! Have you seen Mommy's jewellery anywhere?"

Still, the teen above understands something more than this douche:



Alright, we've already been through this several times, but I guess I was just not being clear enough. So I'll try again:

Sir, women do not generally have to pay men to have sex with them.

I'll wait a minute for that to sink in.

Oh, what's that, you say? It's not the sex that's being paid for in your offer, it's the "massage". Ah. To that I respond: fuck you. Really. You might not be aware that it is a bad idea to sell something that is readily available at no cost. Slow down, you say? OK:

Massages from perverts are plentiful. And free! Simply put, every pervert's technique is to give a woman a massage and then try to sleep with her. And, while it is truly one of the most lame, uncomfortable, skin-crawling come-ons around, those guys who randomly massage girls (on a date, at a workplace etc.) are still more clever than you. Because even they are lucid enough not to make an offer like: "Hey, how about I massage you for $30 and then I'll sleep with you for free?"

Come again? (Or, wait, don't.)

But the kicker is the line where you qualify that the "sex is free if we like each other".

I envision the denouement of your masterpiece as follows. You say:

( 1) "I'm not sure, in the 7 minutes I massaged you, that I like you enough to sleep with you for free. But I'll do it for the low, low price of another 30 smackaroos".

Or (2) "You know, in the time I massaged you, I can see that you are a wonderful, special woman, whose beauty many do not see right away. I am willing to sleep with you."
This, as I see it, is the approach you're likely to go with because a woman who has such low self-esteem/standards that she is paying you $30 to massage and hopefully sleep with her, is probably just the kind of girl on who upon hearing such words would not only thank you and rip off her remaining clothes, but also happily wear a shirt with: "I got a dude from Craigslist to fuck me and I all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Plus, I'm out 30 bucks."

"Healthy as me" you conclude. Ah, she should be equally delusional.

I'm getting tired and so I recommend that you call the number in this ad:



I love their business model: "Pay us to get insulted!" Who is this service for, exactly?! Do these people not have parents? An ex-partner? I went out to dinner with a friend of mine the other night and when I asked him to name (for a project I'm doing) things I would suck at, the list went on for so long, they almost closed the restaurant on us. And this is someone who likes me.

Actually, now that I think about it, most acting schools have the exact same business model.

Proceed.