This Product Says: "You Have Small Nuts"

When I see a commercial for a baffling product, there tends to be at least one line that stands out as patently absurd.

It's usually a simple statement that would be true elsewhere, just not in this particular context.

For instance, an assertion such as: "Your children will be thrilled you got it!" would work fine in a commercial for, say, a toy, but likely not for "Johnny's Whoop-Ass Kid Punisher".

Similarly, the following ads have claims that are so baseless, you'd think they were made by the American Family Association.

(1) The Poop Trap:

"Your dog will love it!"

Why? How can you tell? Are you serious? Do you imagine that your dog is thinking, "I just love walking around with a plastic bag taped to my nether-regions! This is a total blast! I mean, I thought I was having fun before, taking a dump in public, but this, this takes it to a whole 'nother level! Hot Damn!"

(2) Soap Magic:

"And when you have a baby in the house, it's like having an extra set of hands."

No, no, it is not. Not unless the magic soap also takes care of the kid, bathes it and gets up in the middle of the night for it. Because, from what I've heard, "using soap" is not one of a new parent's major concerns. When you invent "Shake-Me-Not - The SBS Prevention Blankets", do let them know.


(3) Chia Obama:

"Chia Obama makes the statement 'I'm proud to be an American'."

Are you snorting crack?! It most certainly does not make that statement! What it does convey, unequivocally, is: "I am a complete douche, I have no taste, and my house is filled with shit." Ask yourself, do you have a Big Mouth Billy Bass? Do you?! Shut up, yes, you do.

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Further Ranting:

(1) This ad, found on The Internet is Terrible, also begs the question: why does it need to come in 8 colors? Is there a need to coordinate your dog's crap bag with something? Does that make it less like a plastic bag attached to your dog's ass, and more like a fashion statement?

(2) This is too much! What's with the "how complicated is this?!" pantomimes? It's SOAP, you fucking numb nuts - it shouldn't be challenging to use. Even I'm not this much of a klutz and I've been known to walk into glass partitions.

Wait, are you Ally McBeal?

Oh. OK, then, proceed.