I Can Get Death For You Retail

Skymall: Gifts That Keep on Boggling

Now, these Skymall products may not be as ludicrous as last week's selection, but there's still no good reason for purchasing them. However, if you really need to spend some cash, and haven't already blown it on a urinating Statue of David, here are some options:

"Sure, it measures accurate cups, ounces, and milliliters -- but isn't it so much more fun to bake up a batch of brownies use increments such as a "volume of one human breath" or "amount of honey made by a bee hive in a day?"

Oh yes, fun! Holy fuck, yes!

I just know I would simply loathe the person who'd own this product. I'm sure Moon Cherub would be happy to take a break from her drumming circle and yurt building to make some brownies in this. But by the time she handed me a cookie and said the words: "There's as much chocolate in the mix as the volume of the human heart," and began to weep softly, I'd already be making a run for it.

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Customer Review: 5 out of 5 5 out of 5:

"I bought this item for my friend as a birthday present. The fact that a wallet can be made from threads of steel amazed him. He cannot stop talking about it."

He sounds interesting,

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On principle alone I have no idea who would buy this. Wouldn't this be a better name for a taser? Rather than an actual product I'm meant to use near my crotch...

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Keep walking, Cubicle Boy, nothing to see here.

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Wow, that really classes up my bathroom. Plus, now every time I go for a pee, it's like I'm in the Caribbean...

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You look safe. What was the crime you committed again?

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This is a decoy item. It is meant to make all of the other products look less absurd, and hence more appealing, by comparison.

"James, I want to purchase that freakish looking leg massager for Dad, but don't want him to look like he's under house arrest. "

"Helen, that leg massager looks perfectly normal!"

"Do you really think so? Hey, what's that you're looking at...?"

"The Head Spa Massager."

"Jesus, it looks like one of those anti-mind control beanies. Now, that's really insane."

"Who are you calling?"

"Skymall. You're right, I'm getting the leg massager for Dad. Now, that I think about it, I think I'll also get the Digital Handheld Magnifier."

"Good choice. Get me one too."

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"Capture Video In The Dark w/ The Portable & Rugged Flashlight DVR Camera
Hidden deep within this ordinary and fully functional flashlight is a color CMOS camera with 2 Gb of built-in memory. Just point the flash light to illuminate an area and easily record color video with the press of a button. Perfect for gathering evidence, capturing video surveillance of intruders, or anything else you might need portable video surveillance for."

Because pointing a flashlight in an intruder's face is the perfect way to record a crime. And the end of your life.

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Once again:

You can find more Skymall insanity on these posts.

For further Skymall hilarity check out the following blogs (where I found some of the above stellar products): That's So Fetch, Urlesque, Maximum PC, and The Very Best and Worst of Skymall