Monday, December 7, 2009

Have You Ever Wanted To Knit While Having Sex?

The Holiday season will soon be upon us, and 'tis the season to look at items I can't wrap my head around.

As always, Skymall's products go beyond the usual simple mysteries inherent in gifts like pen sets, clocks or DVDs of "Two and a Half Men", and race right into "WTF?! Who the hell would purchase this?!" territory.

Here are 7 that make my WTF list:

Because writing hurts. And you don't have a computer. And you're an idiot.

Let me show you how well voice recognition tends to work. Here's what Microsoft's speech recognition decided I was saying:


Can you imagine what I was dictating? I can't. Curiously, it wasn't frog erotica.

So one can only envision how useful this device is especially since:
"The Voice Recognition Grocery List Organizer...stores and prints grocery lists generated from the items you speak into its microphone. Using an integrated voice recognition system, the shopping list manager matches a spoken item with one of the 2,500 food, beverage, household, beauty, and office products in its database. Each spoken product appears on the LCD and you can add it to the list and print an alphabetized record with the touch of a button."
Oh yeah, that sounds way easier than typing. But then again, typing allows you to edit and update the list. And you won't ever need to do that.

Enjoy shopping for your plaid "plants", purchasing that beautiful "milk" scarf and coaching your son's "cream".

"Have you ever wanted to make or receive a phone call underwater?" begins the description of this baffling item.

Well, no, I can't say that I have.

And I like how casual the above conversation looks.

"Helen, I'm diving and I just thought that.. well, did you remember to RSVP for the Jennison's dinner party - because it completely fell off my radar."

"Oh, don't worry, Hon, I'll call them. So what's it like down there?"

"The usual, some fish and stuff. Oh hey, something's prodding my leg. 'Kay, just a shark. Listen, I should go, I need to call my bank and hear my account balance, maybe make a few payments. Do you want me to also put in an order with 1-800-Flowers?"

Oh, dear. There's so much wrongness in just one item.

The pictures tells a creepy enough tale... it looks like Tom Cruise is trying to seduce the game pieces, or get them to reveal some critical information.

"The Only Portable Microwave Oven."
That's no surprise. And you know why? I can think of two pretty critical caveats:

1) If you're already out and about, can't you purchase real food somewhere?
2) How unbelievably stupid would you look carrying this monstrosity around. Are you going to place it on your shoulder like a ghetto blaster and yell the Bagel Bites theme?

I think I saw this in a BDSM film.

I almost don't have the heart to make fun of this.

I thought the clear winner of the most pathetic product around was "Cheers to You!"... but now I'm not so certain. Again, when you're using a product that reeks of Rupert Pupkin, counseling should be the first step.

"Craving a little recognition? Someone who gets your jokes? Open the Box of Applause and be greeted with the sounds of cheering and clapping from a very enthusiastic crowd. Or open the Box of Laughter to hear uproarious guffaws. Close your eyes and imagine yourself accepting that Oscar, Nobel, or Best Comedy Emmy."
Oh, this is just too painful. The product not only speaks to someone with a profound lack of talent and friends, but also of imagination. After all, I can hear clapping and award announcing in my head anytime I close my eyes--

Oh. Yeah, OK, let's just continue.

"Find your favorite passages instantly anytime, anywhere."
Hey, you know being gay is a sin. Because God told you. Or someone. Allegedly. But wouldn't it be embarrassing if you didn't have the exact passage to quote? Imagine being the most exciting person at any place with this in hand.

Bob: "Tonight I'm partying with Steve! He's an animal!"

Dave: "Wait, wait." Tinkers with Holy Dictionary "Not this, no. Wait, this... No. Oh here: Ephesians chapter 5:18: 'Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit'."

Bob: "Uh, OK. Well, it's not a big deal, I'm just going to have some fun."

Dave: "Well... " Looks to Holy Contraption, "'Romans 13:13 'Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy.'"

Bob: "Yeah... I'm going to go to back to my cubicle now, and I suggest you do the same."

Dave: "Well, that's a good idea, because... As it was stated in ...Thessalonians 3:10... 'If a man will not work, he shall not eat.'"

Bob: "Please. Stop."


More Skymall insanity on these posts.

And there's further Skymall hilarity on the following blogs (where I found some of the above stellar products): That's So Fetch, Urlesque, Maximum PC, and The Very Best and Worst of Skymall