The Night is Young, Master Stoorworm

If there's something that really baffles me, it's when people fantasize about something sexual that cannot possibly, ever, ever in this world, happen.

I would assume that if you thought, "Damn, I want to have sex with a unicorn!" and didn't just take this as a clue to run to any available therapist, you'd at least try to self-talk: "You know, that's interesting, yes, but it's really never going to happen.  So what say I stop making the sex I do have less satisfying by fantasizing about this absurdity, and try to move on."

But I'm starting to think I'm one of the lucky ones.  Because I don't go to bed sighing, "If only I could be ravaged by a dragon! Cursed be this dragon-free world!"

No, wait, that wasn't a joke. That's precisely what people who go to the "Bad Dragon" site* must be doing...

Let's peruse, shall we?  Don't worry, this will only hurt... a lot.

First we have "The Tentacle" whose description begins thus:

"Imagine, if you will, a creature that has soft, forgiving flesh, unlimited dexterity, and an insatiable need to fill the holes of any creature that comes near. Chances are, if the thought of that made you a little randy, the Tentacle is for you!"

How about, "if the thought made you a little randy - and you're not a mollusc - our condolences."

But maybe your taste is slightly different.  Perhaps you're more aroused by this serpent-dragon thing.

The pornographic version of this illustration (you have to click on the small versions on the site to get the perverse full-view, e.g.) shows this vision of erotic splendour posing languidly, sporting equipment you recall from when your German Shepard tried to hump you.

To me these drawings are about as arousing as a still from Tremors.  And about 10 times more disturbing.

But, that's me... because here you can also read a frighteningly detailed review for one of the other products, the Antro-Dragoness, where the author, who enjoyed the product a great deal, threatens to post a video on the topic.  Threatens, I say, because he writes, (and I am trying not to whimper as I type this) "I ended up making quite a mess of my dragoness by the time I was done, which you can see in the videos that I'll post a little later." (Don't click at those links at the bottom of the review. Don't do it, I implore you.)

And finally, I'd like to direct your attention to the "Adoption" section wherein they feature two products that are not completely useful as sex toys because of a product malfunction but which you may adopt for $75-$100.

Sure they're kinda broken, but remember:

"All adoptions are 100% clean and have never left the workshop. Adoptions are not refurbished, just toys that weren't up to the standards we impose on ourselves."

Listen, if a dragonfucker thinks it's not good enough for him - it ain't good enough for me either.

--

*I learned about this on the "Distorted View" podcast. Thank you(?), Tim.

I take it back, there is one way to enact this dragon fantasy in the real world... Praise be Salamence (Last tattoo on this page.)..

Hey, want to see bad ad placement? Here you go:  My colleague and I putting on a "Twitter for Business" workshop on August 21.  If you want to learn about using Twitter effectively - and aren't insane (c'mon you do read this blog, after all.) - you're welcome to sign up.