Come on! That is NEVER going to... Oh.

This week's post is dedicated to fucktarded plans.
That somehow, incredibly, worked*.

Desire: I'd like to steal milk.
Obstacle: I need to not be noticed while doing so.  
Solution: I'll dress as a cow.

"The 18-year-old milk bandit apparently pilfered the milk from the Garrisonville Wal-Mart around 10:30pm, Tuesday (April 26), crawling as he exited the store, mimicking the movements of cattle."

I...
Wha...
Wha?!!!

Now this would be a motherfucking shockingly stupid idea even if it occurred at a farm because cows produce milk and so don't need to acquire a bottled version.  But, let's say in an imaginary world, there was a cow that wanted its darn milk back (and had opposable digits and the dexterity to swipe the containers).  But this happened at Wal-Mart...  where, as I understand it, cows don't generally roam free.  Nevertheless the "cow" was able to get the products out of the store.

"Eyewitnesses say a short time later the thief was seen handing over the stolen dairy products to another individual outside the Wal-Mart"

And that's where the plan fell apart.  Because a cow may lift milk out of a Wal-Mart.  But he sure as hell isn't going to then hand them over to a human! Let's get real: Everyone knows cows just don't do that sort of shit. 

Desire: I want to masturbate on a school bus while I'm watching kids.
Obstacle: I can't be noticed doing so.  How can I blend in?
Additional Obstacle: I am a 53-year old man. 
Solution: I'll wear a backpack.

"Michael Charles Friedrichs was carrying a backpack and posing as a student when he got onto the bus at 42nd Street and Longfellow Avenue S. about 7 a.m. March 17, according to police spokesman Sgt. William Palmer."

What the hell happened here?  How does a 53-year old man magically pass as a child because he's sporting a backpack?  (Was the bus driver this dude?) Does one simply need a prop or costume item for these kinds of ruses?  Let's say I was wearing a mawashi, could I pass myself off as a sumo wrestler? 

Wait, I'm not being fair here.  Maybe the guy looks absurdly youthful and is the size of a jockey.

OK, I found a picture of the guy:

And, for reference, here's what a teenager looks like:

Uncanny.

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Originally heard about:

Cow  - on Wish I Didn't Know

Backpacked Man - on Fark 

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