I Was Just Adjusting My Base/Root Chakra!

OK, so you're a perv and you're caught masturbating in public.

Here are your options.  Important: Make sure to select one in advance:

1. You say, "Yeah.  I did that." And accept the consequences
2. You refute that it happened.  That leaves only the other party's contention.
3. You use the plausible excuse that you came up with in advance to explain why someone might have misinterpreted what you were doing.  Critical: this must be something that a person who has experience with human behavior (e.g. the police) would believe.

What you don't absolutely don't do is improvise.

Here are some excuses that clearly were thought up on the spot:

"I was just scratching because there was Tabasco on my penis"

This was on a flight, by the way.

Asked why he did not just go to the bathroom to “take care of this problem,” Escamilla told Reese that he “didn’t feel that it would help.”

Of course it wouldn't! Haven't people read the "Doctors Book of Home Remedies"?! It clearly states:

"To remove tabasco sauce from one's unit - do not try to scratch or wash it in a private setting! The itch will only go away if you rub it underneath your tray while sitting next to a 17-year old cheerleader".
0/10

"I had diarrhea."

"a Florida man accused of exposing himself in a parking lot claimed he merely had explosive diarrhea -- and was using his own underwear to clean himself."

The penultimate sexy excuse!

Now, if this had happened there would be (gross) proof.  Which there wasn't.  And it's why, I reiterate: do not improvise.
0/10

"I was balancing my checkbook."

You know, it is challenging to find a hard place to write.
2/10

"I was just touching my sandwich"

This guy claims that the woman, who believes she saw him expose himself and start masturbating, must have seen his submarine sandwich.  Look, it's kind of hard to get this kind of identification wrong - there are some fairly substantial differences between a Meatball Marina and a cock.

Also, I highly doubt that a guy, while stopped at a light, would be so impressed with his lunch that he'd be showing it off to the gal in the next vehicle. ("Hey, look what I purchased!")
0/10

"These pants always do that"

This guy claimed that the pants have some issues.  Because, you know, pants are like pets: what kind of sicko would just give up on his pants just because they were a bit naughty?!  The pants just need a little more training.  
1/10


For added joy, while "researching" this article, I came across the best (read: "most fucked up") ad placement ever.

Sexual predators always set my soul on fire! Thank you, FastCupid!

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Thanks for reading!

I also wanted to mention:

1.  We recently got a lovely write-up about our ("The S&M Rants" podcast on "Not to Be Trusted With Knives". Woot!
2.  I was a guest on the funny podcast, "The Courtesy Flush" last week.  I'm on around the 40 min mark and you can listen to the episode here.  (I had some sound issues, so if I sound spacey, I'm blaming it on that.) 

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