Monday, March 5, 2012

Oh! Please! Somebody Call Super-Embalmer!

You may know that one of my favorite things is when criminals come up with some bizarre excuse for their crimes. I posted about this topic before.

Here are a few new bafflers:

Here's an embalmer who stole gold-fillings out of the teeth of his corpses.  He went to pawn brokers to get some cash for them and eventually, because the occurences were so frequent, the pawn brokers started to question him.

"One [pawn] broker said Kline told her that gold teeth were normally thrown away at mortuaries and he was selling them to raise money for needy children."
Holy fucking shit - really?!  You're some type of Robin Hood who steals from the dead to give to the poor?   When are they making a movie about you!

How'd he decide to go with this?  Did he bypass the "for victimized puppies" and decide that was too implausible?


The next article concerns someone tormenting their female neighbor by posting a sex ad about her on Craigslist.  Many people showed up at her home, but one accidentally went to another house, where he found a teenage girl.  She told him he had the wrong place.  He went to the "right" place, found out the ad was a hoax and returned to the teenage gal's home where he groped her and made lewd comments.

Here's the best part:
"Zeh told police that he was 'bored' when he decided to answer the Craigslist ad. He acknowledged that the button on his shorts had 'fallen off' and that his 'pubic hair and his erect penis could have been sticking out of his pants' when he walked into the teenager's residence."
Fucking happens all the time! I can't get through a full day without my pants opening and my cooter bidding adieu to some guy.

I kind of want these two guys to meet and to come up with some sort of super excuse, like they were  masturbating in public to save children in India or defecating on a government desk to prevent nuclear annihilation.

 Update (2013): My podcast is: "Dazed and Convicted" and can be heard at or on Soundcloud